The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
