where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
