RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
