im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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