Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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