I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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