Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
