I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
