I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I could fuck to npr.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
