I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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