He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
