Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
