You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
