I think I died a long time ago.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
