I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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