I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
3pm strippers are depressing
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
