Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
