check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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