tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
