I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
