I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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