I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
