Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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