I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
