There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
