You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They are going to name an STD after you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
