Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You can't motorboat a personality
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
