I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
