Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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