Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ttyl tear gas
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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