My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
