Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize