You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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