ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize