my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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