Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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