Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So vagazzling was a success
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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