Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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