i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
