Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize