normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize