your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
