If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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