My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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