Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize