I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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