the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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