i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
