I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
