So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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