I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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