just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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