Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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