guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
