I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
