That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
