i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
