who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
