I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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