Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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