the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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