He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
