when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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