Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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